Self Awareness 101

In this first episode of Shallow and Deep with James Delin, we’re pulling back the curtain on one of the most misunderstood (and most powerful) tools in your mental health and self-development toolkit: self-awareness.

Self-awareness isn’t about becoming some enlightened monk who never gets triggered. It’s about noticing what’s happening inside you, understanding how your thoughts and feelings shape your behaviour — and learning how to respond, not just react.

We start with the basics (the shallow end):

• What is self-awareness, really?
• Why does it matter in real life — like when you’re overthinking a WhatsApp message or spiralling after a tough conversation?
• How do you separate helpful insight from the self-critical noise in your head?
  

Then, we go deep.

Because here’s the uncomfortable truth: for many of us, our inner critic is masquerading as our self-awareness.

It’s loud.

It’s mean.

And it sounds just like us.

In this episode, James breaks down how to build a relationship with that inner critic.

Not to silence it — but to understand it, soothe it, and rewire the way you respond to yourself. This isn’t fluffy mindfulness talk.

This is about emotional leadership, ADHD-friendly strategies, and genuinely useful tools you can try right now — especially if you’re someone who overthinks, self-sabotages, or beats yourself up for having big feelings.

🚨 Key takeaways include:

• Why your inner critic sounds like a judgmental friend who thinks they’re being helpful
• A step-by-step tool to recognise when your inner critic is talking (and what to say back)
• Real-life ADHD examples, like texting anxiety and panic spirals, that make this stuff actually relatable
• A guided script to help you reconnect with yourself — without needing to buy crystals or chant under the moonlight (unless you want to)
  

Whether you’re neurodivergent, healing from people-pleasing, recovering from emotional shutdowns, or just bloody exhausted from overthinking everything — this episode gives you a practical way to start feeling more in control of your inner world.

🎙️ Next episode: “NEEDS: Identify, Own, and Get Them Met”

We’ll be unpacking how to stop ignoring your needs, how to own them without guilt, and what it looks like to get them met in a way that actually works for you and your relationships.

Self-awareness is your ability to understand your thoughts, feelings and motivations, how they affect your behaviour and how that affects others.

But what does it actually mean? 

How does it actually help you to be aware that you’re thinking about a hot dog in the middle of a heated conversation about how you forgot to put the bins out…AGAIN?

What benefit does it bring you to know that you’ll have a panic attack and go on an emotional rampage when your next partner says “I love you”?

And why is it a good thing to know that you exhaust everyone in the room when you get excited about your new Star Wars Lego set?

You’d be totally forgiven for thinking that this self-awareness stuff sounds bloody horrible! 

Because, on the surface, it kind of is.

But when you break through the initial stages, the messy, confronting, brave first steps, your self-awareness becomes the cornerstone of your self-development and mental health work. 

And yeah, I can make you the same “life-changing” promises as every other coach, therapist and mental health creator on the internet.

I can be another opinion amongst the noise of confusing and conflicting advice, if you want me to be. 

So let me be clear from the start - I only want to speak directly to those of you who are saying:

“Just help me understand clearly why I do what I do, how to stop sabotaging myself, and what practical steps I can actually take to feel more in control and happier.”

If that’s you, welcome to Shallow and Deep with me, James Delin.

I’ll walk you into the shallows of the big stuff that messes with your head, and then together we’ll delve deep into understanding how you can change it for the better.

I’m a therapeutic coach, professional chatterbox and wildly imperfect human. I’m a card-carrying member of the ADHD club, and I’m based in the UK. 

If you enjoy this podcast, sign up for the companion newsletter at my website, where you’ll also find a treasure trove of stuff to help you thrive. Go to jamesdelin.com or click the link in the show notes. 

So let’s unpack this self-awareness stuff, both the shallow and the deep. 

The Shallows of Self-Awareness

So, at the top of the episode, I said that self-awareness is your ability to understand your thoughts, feelings and motivations, how they affect your behaviour and how that affects others.

And I asked the question, “What does that actually mean?”

So, let’s break apart the shallows, not to teach you how to suck eggs, but to get us on the same page. 

1. It’s an ability. 

Self-awareness isn’t a state of mind, it’s not a way of life, and it’s not an achievement that gives you a billion XP for collecting all your traumas. 

It’s a skill. 

Good news: Skills can be adopted, developed and improved. 

Hard truth: Skills take time, failure and dedication to build. 

2. It’s layered

Self-awareness has a few layers to it. 

The base layer is simply noticing what’s going on internally: your thoughts, feelings and motivations. 

The middle layer is understanding why and how your internal world drives your actions and behaviours. 

The top layer is understanding how your actions impact others.

Good news: each layer gives you something specific to focus your work on. To find your blind spots, without getting overwhelmed. 

Hard truth: understanding why and how your internal world drives your behaviour is deep self-work, and it can be confronting and painful in the initial stages.  

3. It’s cyclical

OK, so this isn’t obvious from the definition, but the top layer, understanding how your actions impact others, creates a feedback loop to the base layer. 

You might be aware of how others respond to something you do, which feeds back into your thoughts, feelings and motivations. 

Good news: feedback is good information that helps you grow and feel better. 

Hard truth: receiving feedback can be triggering, reinforcing old patterns that keep you stuck. 

So, now we’re on the same page about what self-awareness is, let’s do the same about how it helps. 

Framing self-awareness as a skill rather than a goal allows you to use it rather than try to achieve it. 

Self-awareness isn’t some Zen state of mind, where you’re not affected by anything - the pros call that “avoidance”. 

You’re still human, so you’re still going to get triggered, overwhelmed, confused, excited, playful and so on, but healthy self-awareness lets you own your feelings, understand your motivations and accept yourself as the imperfect and wonderful human being you are.

Because spoiler: you’re still going to feel all the other stuff, no matter how good you are at being self-aware. 

And so, you can use self-awareness to better regulate your emotions, build deeper connections, and make meaningful changes in your life.

Your internal monolgue shifts from “Why the fuck am I like this?” to “I wonder why that came up for me?”

How you develop it and how you use it is where it starts to get deep.

The Deep of Self-Awareness

So let’s get deeper into how to develop your skill of self-awareness. 

The first step on the thousands of “Self-Awareness” worksheets you’ve probably downloaded is usually something like:

“Notice your stuff with curiosity, not judgment”

And that’s great, it’s actually correct, but when the loudest voice in your head is a judgmental, inner critic, where’s the part about getting them to shut the fuck up?!

Granted, noticing stuff has its challenges, but compared to learning how to quiet that intrusive, critical voice, noticing stuff becomes baby town frolics. 

So, today's deep focus is getting to know and make peace with your inner critic. 

Because once you do, this shit gets a whole lot easier. 

GETTING TO KNOW YOUR INNER CRITIC

We all have an inner critic. You’re probably all too painfully familiar with yours. 

Yours is unique to you. It’s been observing you your whole life and has gotten really good at pointing out your failings, mistakes, and flaws. 

It’s loud and relentless. 

So much so that it often convinces you that IT IS your self-awareness.

It isn’t, but it does play a role in it. 

To understand its role, you need to get to know it. 

What it sounds like, what’s there for and what it needs from you. 

Imagine your inner critic as another person, with their own thoughts, feelings and motivations. 

Think of it like it’s an opinionated, but misguided friend you know means well, but annoys the fuck out of you. 

Only…they live inside your head. 

And while yours is unique to you, there are some standards that all inner critics live by, and this is how you start to get to know them.

STEP ONE: LISTEN FOR IT, NOT TO IT

Your inner critic’s favourite words are “can’t”, “shouldn’t” and “mustn’t”.

“I can’t do anything right!“

“I shouldn’t be thinking that.”

“I mustn’t fail at this thing.”

It also wants to hammer the point home by giving you a reason you can’t, shouldn’t or mustn’t:

“I can’t do anything right, because I’m rubbish at everything!”

“I shouldn’t be thinking that, because it means I’m a bad person.”

“I mustn’t fail at this thing, because it’ll let people down.”

Yes, this is being aware of your thoughts, feelings and motivations - it’s even directing your choices somehow. 

Sounds kinda like self-awareness, right?! 

But that judgmental language is the giveaway to this being your inner critic talking. 

When we listen FOR it, we get to interrupt our instinctive reaction of either doing what it says or trying to shut it down. 

Try this quick exercise:

The next time you use the words “can’t”, “shouldn’t” or “mustn’t”, just pause and ask: 

“Inner critic? Is that you?”

It often doesn’t matter what the answer is, because the point of the exercise is to simply start listening FOR the words, and not necessarily TO them. 

STEP TWO: UNDERSTAND YOUR INNER CRITIC

Your inner critic has seen everything that you have. 

It knows where the bodies are buried, the skeleton’s in your closet, and that you still suck your thumb despite being nearly 40 years old. 

Everything you’ve been through: every high, every low, every moment of growth, every trauma, your inner critic’s been there too. 

It’s been shaped by your experience. 

It’s anxious, twitchy and hyper-vigilant, but that’s not its fault, and it’s not your fault either. 

You’ve spent a lifetime in unconscious conflict, wounding, dismissing and rejecting each other. 

But just like with an opinionated, misguidied, well-meaning, annoying as fuck friend, who you’ve been in uncoincious conflict with there’s still some love between you two. 

It might be awkwardly communicated and unhealthily demonstrated, but you wouldn’t still be hanging around together if there wasn’t just a little bit of love there, right?

That love? 

From the inner critic, it’s there to shield you from pain, embarrassment and shame. 

From you? 

That love’s there because you’ve been saved from pain by past moments of your inner critic’s wisdom. 

It might be annoying as fuck, but you truly believe it means well, and it genuinely wants to protect you.

It’s not there to make you feel like shit - even though it’s really good at that - it’s actually there to make you feel like not shit, but it’s a bit crap at expressing itself.

Where you guys haven’t connected in a while, it’s understandable that it doesn’t really know HOW to communicate. 

It just shouts, whatever it thinks will make a difference. 

When you listen to it and do what it says, it thinks it’s doing the right thing. 

When you try to shut it down, it just screams. 

Like an emotional Hulk, the angrier you make it, the stronger it gets. 

STEP THREE: SOOTHE YOUR INNER CRITIC

Ultimately, your inner critic needs to be seen and understood with compassion and leadership. 

Not in what it says, but in why it says it. 

It needs you to know that it isn’t trying to upset you, hold you back or scare you into staying the same forever.

And it needs you to teach it how and when to show up. 

In a word, it needs “soothing”. 

How do you soothe it?

The same way you’d soothe an opinionated, misguided, well-meaning annoying-as-fuck friend. 

You'd talk to them. 

(OK, so you might not, and maybe that’s something you should talk to your therapist about, but for the purposes of this exercise, let’s imagine you’ve summoned the most well-adjusted, emotionally mature version of yourself to engage in this work)

If you’ve bought into the concept of your inner critic as an individual personality, then the same can be true for it. 

Eventually, you’re aiming to get to a point where you can soothe your inner critic in real time, during a reactionary moment. 

To start with, though, you need to have a reconnecting conversation, which is best done at a time when you’re both calm. 

When there’s nothing to react to. 

Dedicate some time to chat with them. 

Maybe it’s at the end of the day, before you sleep, or perhaps you can find some time at the weekend. 

Whatever works for your schedule, but dedicate it, because ultimately, it’s time for you and you deserve it. 

Your objectives for this chat are to reassure them, set some boundaries and work on a way to move forward.

You can do it in your journal, write a letter, or, and this is how I do it, literally talk to it. 

Out loud, in the dark, like a loony. 

Try this exercise:

Find a quiet, private space where you won’t be disturbed. 

Take a deep breath and close your eyes, if you want to. 

Say: 

“Hey Critic, I hear you. I know you worry that I’ll mess stuff up. 

I get it—it’s scary to think I might feel pain or shame again.

I’m grateful for how hard you work to protect me. Thank you. 

I know that criticism has been your way to protect me, and in some cases, it’s worked. That said, we’re both feeling a little stuck right now, so let’s try something new. 

When you speak, I’ll listen and then I’ll ask you what’s happening underneath your reaction.

It might feel uncomfortable to start with, but we’ll work it out. I’ve got you.”

Now, I get it. This might feel a little weird and perhaps uncomfortable if you’re not a self-talking maniac like I am, but if it does feel a little odd, it means you’re doing it right. 

What you’re doing with this chat, journal entry or letter is reprogramming your inner world. 

That feeling of “odd-ness” is your old programming getting twitchy about change. 

And change is what you’re going for. 

You can do this exercise as often as you want, but stick to the script and don’t get drawn into debates or justifications. 

The more you do it, the stronger your relationship with your inner critic will become. 

Now, look, I know some of this stuff can feel like venturing into the “woo-woo” side of things, like, talking to yourself alone in the dark, that’s fucking mental, right?!

Perhaps you’ve got concerns that if you admit to having another voice in your head, you’ll immediately be sectioned and have your kids taken away from you.

First of all, you won’t. 

Secondly, where do you think that concern comes from?

Could it be…your inner critic, perhaps?

How Does This Work IRL?

OK, so you’ve had a chat, clarified a baseline, and set some boundaries with your inner critic. 

That’s great!

So what happens when you miss that appointment or forget about that deadline?

What happens when you do get triggered, and your inner critic starts to get really loud?

Well…what would happen if your opinionated, misguided, well-meaning, annoying-as-fuck friend started popping off?

You’d probably remind them about the chat, right?

The same’s true for your inner critic.

And I’m not gonna lie, THIS is the stuff that takes practice. 

You’re going to get annoyed and frustrated. 

And that’s OK. 

Remember your training, and you will make it back alive. 

Listen FOR, understand, soothe. 

When you get good at listening for your inner critic, you’ll naturally start to create space between what it’s saying and how you respond.

When you understand them, you can empathise and reassure them. 

When you soothe them, you soothe yourself. 

Let’s make this less abstract and more relatable with an example:

You send your partner an emotionally vulnerable text. 

You’re opening up, reaching out, maybe even asking for support or reassurance.

You see they’ve read it but then…silence.

You say to yourself:

“Wow. I shouldn’t have sent them that. I’ve overshared again. Why am I always so needy? Now they’re probably annoyed. Good job pushing them away.”

But you’ve remembered you’re training, and you’re listening FOR your internal critic. 

The word “shouldn’t” popped up. Check!

“Why am I always so needy?” sounds like a criticising question. Check!

A passive-aggressive finisher, “Good job pushing them away.” Check! 

Now that you’ve heard your inner critic speaking, you know it’s here to protect you from something, and it needs soothing. 

This is how you soothe it, in real time:

1. Physically ground yourself:

You pause, put a hand on your chest, take some deep breaths, and consciously soften your muscles, calming your body.

2. Acknowledge the critic (internally):

“Oh, hey critic, I hear you. 

You’re scared that I’ve done something risky, and you’re worried about rejection.”

3. Gentle reassurance:

“I get it—rejection feels like shit and being vulnerable feels terrifying. 

I hear you want to shut this down or send a lot of follow-ups to reassure them that I’m not needy. 

Thank you for trying to help.

The thing is, I actually feel the way I’ve said I do in my message, and I want my partner to know so that we can build a more open relationship. 

I have to be vulnerable for a healthy connection to happen.”

4. Redirect with curiosity:

“I wonder why this feels so intense right now? 

Maybe something from the past is kicking in?

How far in the past? 

Do you think it’s still relevant?

I get it, it feels like whatever happened then is happening now. 

I’ve got you, and we can cope with whatever happens now when it happens.”

5. Remind your critic of your worth:

“Remember, my partner’s response time doesn’t determine my worth. 

I can wait this out. 

They can reply in their own time. It doesn’t reflect on me.”

OK, so I get it. 

When are you going to have the emotional wherewithal to have such a textbook conversation with yourself, when you’re climbing the walls to receive a reply? 

This is what takes time, failure and dedication. 

This is the stuff that’s going to annoy and frustrate you. 

And the hard truth about this is that you won’t always win, especially in the beginning. 

But let’s reframe that, because you’re not trying to win. 

You’re just trying to make a change. 

To create space. 

The space you create between what your inner critic says and what you do next allows you to respond to the situation, rather than your inner critic’s idea of how the situation could impact you.

And THIS, my friends, is the alpha and omega of developing honest, healing, healthy self-awareness. 

Once you connect with your inner critic, once you accept it as your opinionated, misguided, well-meaning, annoying-as-fuck friend, who’s actually there to protect you, you take the lead in understanding yourself, breaking your self-sabotaging patterns and feeling more in control of your happiness. 

‍

Outro

If you do any of the exercises in today’s episode, I suggest you give yourself a gentle high-five. 

You've just taken a big step into understanding one of the most powerful yet often overlooked tools in your personal growth toolkit—self-awareness.

So to recap, we've unpacked what self-awareness really is, moved beyond surface-level definitions, and explored how knowing yourself better actually translates to a healthier, happier, and more authentic life.

You've learned how self-awareness isn’t just about recognising your patterns, but about using that insight to respond differently, creating real space between reaction and response. 

We went deep into managing the toughest critic of all—the voice in your own head—and you've got a new, practical way to soothe that voice when it gets loud.

Self-awareness is foundational; next comes understanding what you genuinely need, owning those needs confidently, and getting them met without guilt or apology.

In the next episode of Shallow and Deep—"NEEDS: IDENTIFY, OWN AND GET THEM MET." We'll unpack how to clearly see and articulate your needs, why so many of us struggle to even acknowledge them, and how learning to honour your needs can radically transform your relationships and your life.

If you’ve gained some insight or value from this episode, let me know what spoke to you the most! 

5-star reviews help spread the show the most; whatever your feedback, I’m grateful for it. Thank you.

And if you’re need more support, resources, or just some genuinely helpful insights delivered straight to your inbox, join the Feel Better Club over at jamesdelin.com or click the link in the show notes.

Thank you so much for listening. 

Until next time, 

See you later, crocodile. 

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