Is it Them…or is it Me?

You bring up something that matters to you. 

Maybe it’s sex. 

Maybe it’s space. 

Maybe it’s needing more affection or fewer dishes in the bloody sink.

But instead of feeling heard, you walk away from the conversation feeling smaller. 

Ashamed, guilty, a bit needy or dramatic. 

You wonder, “Was that too much?” or “Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

So… who’s responsible for that feeling? 

Is your partner dismissive, or are you just incredibly good at gaslighting yourself? (Fun skill. Would recommend: 0/10.)

Let’s unpick the wires here—compassionately, messily, and with no pressure to blame anyone. 

Including you.

Key Takeaways

• Feeling guilt or shame for having needs can come from both internal beliefs and external dynamics.
• A dismissive partner can erode your sense of worth over time, often subtly, and not always with malice. 
• If you’ve been trained (consciously or unconsciously) to believe your needs are “too much,” you might silence yourself before they even respond.
• Self-awareness is a tool, not a weapon. It’s not about blaming yourself, it’s about freeing yourself.
• Clear communication, boundaries and self-trust are all things you’re allowed to have.

Let’s start with the obvious question: are your needs valid?

Yes. 

Yes, they are. 

Even if they’re messy. Even if they’re inconvenient. 

Even if you’ve been taught otherwise.

You are a human being with needs—not a springer spaniel trying to fall in love with a wasps nest.

But here’s the kicker: a lot of us grow up believing our needs are a problem.

Maybe you had a parent who only offered affection when you were quiet, helpful, or perfect. 

Maybe your early relationships taught you that expressing needs meant conflict, withdrawal, or guilt trips. 

Over time, you start doing the silencing for them—you pre-emptively abandon your needs to avoid the fallout.

That’s the “how much is it you?” part.

Signs it might be internalised shame:

• You apologise for asking for anything—even a glass of water or a hug.
• You start a sentence with, “This is probably stupid but…”
• You replay the conversation 400 times in your head and decide you were too sensitive.
• You feel like you have to “earn” the right to have a need.
• You feel afraid to bring things up even in a healthy relationship.

Sound familiar? That’s internalised guilt and shame doing the tango in your nervous system.

But sometimes, it is the other person. 

And it’s important not to explain that away either.

Signs your partner might be dismissive or shaming:

• They roll their eyes, sigh, or change the subject when you speak.
• They say things like “You’re too sensitive” or “You always make everything about you.”
• They use silence, withdrawal or sarcasm as a way to shut things down.
• They only listen when you’re falling apart, not when you’re calm and direct.
• They twist your words or suggest you’re being manipulative.
• They deflect by saying you’re not understanding them

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These behaviours aren’t just annoying. They’re disorienting. 

Over time, they make you question your own reality. 

That’s gaslighting, and you don’t deserve it. 

And if you’ve already got a history of shame or guilt around needs? 

That partner dynamic becomes the perfect storm. 

You become the self-policing, guilt-ridden, apologetic version of yourself just to keep the peace. 

Except the peace never comes… because you’re at war with yourself.

So what the hell do you do about it?

First: you don’t need to know who’s “at fault” to start paying attention to how you feel.

If you consistently walk away from conversations feeling dismissed or ashamed, that’s data. 

And the data says: this isn’t working for you.

Second: Get curious. Not cruel.

• What story are you telling yourself about your needs?
• Where did you learn that story?
• What happens when you express yourself in this relationship?
• What would change if you believed your needs were allowed?

These questions aren’t to trap you in blame. They’re to unhook you from it.

Third: Talk to someone outside of the relationship. 

A friend, a coach, a therapist, even a journal. 

Someone who can reflect back that your needs are not unreasonable, they’re human.

Finally, If your partner is consistently dismissive, you deserve better than a relationship that treats your voice like background noise. 

That doesn’t mean you have to leave tomorrow. 

It just means you get to notice, to name what’s happening, and to know you’re not mad or broken for wanting more.

Conclusion

Feeling guilty or ashamed for having needs isn’t a sign that your needs are wrong—it’s a sign that something in your environment (past or present) taught you to silence yourself.

It’s not always easy to untangle whether that discomfort is coming from within or from the person in front of you. 

Often, it’s both. But you don’t have to stay stuck in the loop of wondering whether you’re the problem.

You’re allowed to need things. 

You’re allowed to ask. 

You’re allowed to be met with care instead of contempt.

And if that feels radical? 

That just shows how much it’s needed.

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