I don’t know what my relationship needs are

Having ADHD can make emotional regulation a rollercoaster. 

Insecure attachment can make relationships feel like a test you’re destined to fail. 

Combine the two, and it’s no surprise you’re sitting there thinking, “What do I actually need in a relationship?”

You’re not broken. 

You’re not being difficult. 

You’re not too much. 

You’re just navigating a combo that makes self-awareness in relationships really fucking hard sometimes.

Key Takeaways:

• ADHD can blur emotional needs under distraction, shame and rejection sensitivity.
• Insecure attachment can create a mismatch between what you want and what you believe you deserve.
• You do have relationship needs – they’re just hidden under protective patterns and neural noise.
• Clarity is possible — not overnight, but through self-reflection, compassion and maybe a few “WTF am I doing?” moments.

ADHD: The Emotional Fireworks Show

With ADHD, you might:

• Struggle to pinpoint feelings in the moment.
• Miss cues from your body that you’re emotionally depleted.
• Jump into relationships quickly because novelty feels good (and validation is dopamine, baby).
• Or pull away hard when overstimulated, then spiral because “What if they think I don’t care?”

The needs beneath this? 

Often: Consistency. Safety. Space to be messy without being judged.

Insecure Attachment: The Inner Saboteur

If you have an insecure attachment style — anxious, avoidant or disorganised (a fun mix of the previous two!) — you might:

• Crave closeness but fear being too much.
• Push people away to avoid rejection.
• People-please until you’re running on emotional fumes.
• Feel deep shame when you express a need (and then get mad when others don’t meet it anyway).

The needs beneath this? 

Usually: Being seen, reassured, respected, and chosen—without having to earn it through hyper-vigilance or self-sacrifice.

But What Are My Needs?

Here’s where it gets tricky. 

ADHD and insecure attachment both mess with your internal compass. 

So, identifying needs like “emotional safety” or “reciprocity” might feel vague or indulgent.

Let’s make it more tangible. Some common needs for folks in your shoes:

• Clear communication (you can’t read between the lines when your brain is already juggling three tabs and a flashback).
  Reassurance that doesn’t feel patronising (just “I’m here” can be powerful).
• Permission to pause (sometimes you need to go quiet to regulate, not because you’re giving up).
• Partners who don’t punish you for inconsistency, but gently anchor you back to connection.
• Non-defensive responses when you bring up hurt (because confronting conflict might already feel like walking barefoot on Lego).

You might also need:

• Touch – to regulate your nervous system.
• Space – to decompress.
• Affirmation – to quiet the inner critic.

And maybe, above all…

• Freedom to not know yet. To still be figuring this shit out.

How Do I Start Naming My Needs?

Start by tracking what makes you feel:

• Grounded
• Triggered
• Rejected
• Alive
• Resentful
• Safe

This is what my list looks like:

• Grounded - when my partner and I spend downtime together. Just watching TV, going to the shops, taking a drive. Non-eventful time together. 
• Triggered - inconsistency. Behaving one way and saying you felt differently later feels like gaslighting and activates my nervous system. I don’t like it. Not one bit.  
• Rejected - when I feel criticised. I’ve done a lot of work on my rejection sensitivity, but this can be tricky for ADHDers (securely or insecurely attached). 
• Alive - when we laugh together and when we’re having great connecting sex. 
• Resentful - when I feel under-valued or under-appreciated. Like…just say “thank you”, it’s not hard! 
• Safe - when I feel seen, which, granted, is difficult to explain or experience when you have ADHD. I feel most seen simply when someone does what I ask. I also feel seen when a partner gives me little meaningful gifts or gestures. Because who doesn’t want a Jaffa Cake keyring, right?!

Needs are usually hiding behind those moments.

Ask yourself:

• “What do I wish they’d done instead?”
• “What was I afraid was going to happen?”
• “If I could ask for anything and not feel guilty, what would it be?”

And get curious when you think: “It doesn’t matter. I’m just being too sensitive.” 

That’s often your truest need knocking on the door.

Owning Your Needs

Here’s where it can get blurry, especially if you’ve never had the space to fully know yourself. 

Sometimes we think a need is about our partner — “they’re not reassuring me enough” or “they don’t make me feel wanted” — when actually, what we’re bumping into is a part of ourselves that needs our own attention. 

ADHD and insecure attachment can distort that boundary: we outsource our self-worth, emotional regulation, even our sense of identity. 

It’s not your fault—it’s often how we’ve learned to survive. 

But if we’re asking someone else to carry something that’s actually ours to hold, the relationship starts to strain under the weight. 

If you’ve ever wondered, “Is it them… or is it actually me?”—and let’s face it, with the crippling amounts of self-blame we have—you’ve definitely wondered that, you’re on a pathway to growth. 

This question might have landed you in trouble before; it has with me. 

I’ve taken on far too much responsibility that wasn’t mine and not enough of what was mine.

So here’s a post on how to ask that question safely, and answer it with healthy personal growth:

Is it them….or is it me?

Conclusion

If you don’t know what your relationship needs are, it’s not because you don’t have them — it’s because your brain has had to prioritise survival over self-inquiry. 

ADHD and insecure attachment are both rooted in nervous system dysregulation. 

Of course this stuff is foggy!

You’re not needy. You’re human. 

You deserve to be known — not just by someone else, but by yourself too.

Start small. Be honest. 

And remind yourself: it’s okay to say, “I’m still working out what I need — but I’m getting closer every day.”